01
May
10

Dedication: Jebediah Springfield

Hans Sprungfeld aka Jebediah Obadiah Zachariah Jedediah Springfield is a vicious pirate and town founder of Springfield. Born in (presumably) 1755 to Mr. and Mrs. Sprungfeld, he grew up in a small village. In the 1780s, he was a vicious pirate, who then had his tongue bit off by a Turkish pirate during a grog house fight. While painting his Presidential portrait, George Washington is attacked by Sprungfeld, but fights him off. Leaving, Sprungfeld’s boot  gets attached to the portrait, creating the famous half finished portrait of George Washington by Gilbert Stuart. Leaving his pirate self behind, Hans changed his name to Jebediah Springfield and joined Shelbyville Manhattan on a voyage with settlers to find a town. After discovering that Manhattan wants a town where men can marry their cousins, Jebediah decides to create a different town than Manhattan, starting their rivalry. Jebediah contracted diphtheria in the early 1800s or 1810s, and confessed his whole life on the back of the torn off piece of the portrait of George Washington. Jebediah Springfield died at the age of 60 in 1815,  from (later found out by Lisa Simpson) syphilis. His town of Springfield takes great pride in their town founder, despite his horrible past. When Bart takes a trip to Fort Springfield, he discovers that historians made up events on the same date from different, far-away locations. Bart then discovers that Whacking Day is a lie and that Jebediah Springfield never practiced it, as it was not invented until 1924 as an excuse to beat up the Irish. Later in “Lisa the Iconoclast,” Lisa finds out about Springfield’s pirate past, and tries to expose it to the town. After discovering that he had no silver tongue (as she had originally thought), Lisa lost hope. She then discovered that Hollis Hurlbut, Springfield’s own historian, stole the tongue as he didn’t want his idol to be trampled for having a horrible past. After discovering that the townspeople of Springfield are idolizing a forgery, he tells Lisa that she may tell the truth. Lisa then sees how happy Jebediah’s legacy makes everyone, so she decides to keep it as a secret between her and Hollis. Jebediah Springfield has many famous quotations, such as “The noblest spirit embiggens the smallest man.” Anyway,  he wills always be remembered as  the bloodthirsty pirate, town founder of Springfield, diphtheria sufferer of the whole USA. But remember:

“The noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.”

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